Brief, Simple Reflections on Life

This is my life.

This is my life to live.

No one else can live my life.

No one else can relate to my pain, my sorrow, or my joy. Our circumstances may appear similar but the way I respond, the effects on me, are different than on any other person.

My joy is unique. My heartache is unique. My desire is unique.

You will find no one else quite like me.

In this divine uniqueness I embrace my life.

I can say that...
I have experienced the thrill of being on the heights of victory and felt the sting of failure, failure in others as well as in my own eyes. I have loved and I have had that love rejected. I have hoped and have had hopes crushed. I have seen the rising up of men only to see them fall. I have drank from the cup of bitterness and hate to simply dull the taste of pain that was lingering on my tongue. I have dreamed and I have doubted. I have possessed the boldness of a roaring lion and have seen myself cower in fear. I have been unleashed and tamed. I have revealed while still possessing so much that others may never know. I have smelled the fresh air that can only be found on the mountaintops and have also gasped for breath in the jail cell of my own making. I have heard God so clearly and yet I have found room for doubt. I have seen and have yet felt so blind. I have beheld men but have wondered what true manhood really holds. I think of life and I sometimes awake to the realization that someday I will die.

I have lived!

I embrace my life. I love this life.

I know rejection as a close friend. Sorrow has held me at night. Joy has filled my heart with singing. Hope has been my companion through our never ending game of hide-n-seek.

I embrace joy with sorrow, victory with defeat, strength with struggle, for I know that this is my life. There is no other life like mine. No one has and no one ever will live this life again.

My life is beautiful. I will take the good with the bad. The comfort with the pain. The joy with the sorrow. This is life. I would have it no other way.

My life us unique, and so I will give it as a gift to the world.

Here is my life. Do as you will with me.

I hope that you will find it, in life and in death, a clear picture of all that is beautiful, of all that is good, of all that is right, of all that is blessed of God.

It is my choice what I do with my life. You will not make that choice for me.

I will love.

A Declaration of a Blessed Man

Desert Song: Hillsong

I took this from another persons blog. I hope you enjoy it!

VERSE 1
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

BRIDGE

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow.

Grace in Forgiveness

I have often said, "I forgive you," but even as I said these words my
heart remained angry and resentful. I still wanted to hear the story
that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies
and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in
return- if only the praise for being so forgiving! But God's forgiveness
is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything
for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine
forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep
stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy,
and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude
and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded
part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in
control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked
to forgive.

-Henri Nouwen

(excerpt from Phillip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace? - Visual Edition)

I will posting more excerpts from this book over the next week. Truth and revelation are so beautiful.

Grace in Forgiveness

Losing Control

I think that the worst feeling a person can experience is that of their life changing while they have no say and are without any control.

Now, the "super spiritual" person (not really) would say that this is the best! Because you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride!

"God will take care of it...what God wants to happen will happen," they say.

I agree to an extent. God is in control, and if I had my say I would really mess a ton of things up....let's just say that my life would be a whole lot more dysfunctional than it already is! But there is a catch that I think a lot of people miss.

We have choices. And so do other people.

Did God want my father to leave my family? No. Did it happen? Yes.
Was I affected, was my life changed, did I feel out of control? Yes to all accounts.

I can live with my choices! I can live with the consequences that come from my decisions. The reason I can embrace this so freely is because I desire to please God and I listen for His voice. If I disobey I know that it is God's love that will embrace me, even in discipline- I know that I will be strengthened and grow through my decisions. I can anticipate the hurt that is to come.

The problem I have with having to live with other people's decisions is that I can never anticipate the hurt. I am blindsided.

I know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The issue lies in the fact that you actually have to live life. In hindsight I am able to see God's hand at work in taking my father's decisions and taming the destruction that desired to have my family, so that guided transformation could take place. But we are still broken people. Life happens. You break. God uses situations to mold you. But you can still be crushed.

One of the most unsettling things is when you are unable to see the good that God is going to bring about. You are stuck in your situation, in the pain that comes from the choices of others, in the pain that comes from mistakes you never think can be redeemed.

There is nothing more fragile than a heart that is losing hope. There is nothing more deadly than a heart without hope.

Sometimes it seems as if you have to talk yourself into hope. But what happens when your hope is the very thing that was crushed, gasping for breath?

There is no hope that is secure except the hope that comes in the truth of Jesus Christ. I am finding this to be so true. People will fail you, abandon you, reject you, inflict pain upon you, and you will do all of those very same things to yourself. Jesus is not like us. He is different. He is secure. He is worth it.

If you find it the most difficult thing in the world to hope in something. If visioning another day simply takes everything out of you. Jesus is worth it.

Fight, do all that is required, feel the pain of reviving hope. Because Jesus is worth it.

Jesus, in you and you alone are we secure.

The Never Ending Sorrows of the Open Heart

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
-Isaiah 53:3

Life has been rough lately.

You can only take so many shots until you're keeled over in the dirt.

Before I go on to sound like Debbie Downer (this blog will get better I promise!), let me just say that God is still God, and He is good.

Let me continue...

I am 23.
I don't have a job. I have no leads. I have dreams.
I don't have a car. (I have money for a nice down payment but without a job...you know)
I've lost the majority of my best friends, my girlfriend, and my direction in the blink of an eye. (it was actually about 5 days...it was a really long blink)

I am fairly certain that TLC wrote that "Scrub"s song as a prophesy about me. In all fairness though, I'm not really hollering at girls from the passenger side of my best friend's ride...because he is not here.

I have no idea where I am going. Well, I might have an idea...

I said all that to say this. As of late, I have been a man of much sorrow.

I was sitting by myself the other day thinking about how I have been really sad lately, when a verse came to my mind (I think it was God). The verse I am talking about is the one where Jesus is described as a man of sorrows. That made me excited! I am becoming more like Jesus...in really sucky ways! j/k haha I was actually really encouraged!

I was telling my mom that I found it kind of funny how one of the main characteristics of Jesus was that he was a man of sorrow. He was described by sadness. I wonder why he was described like that? One of his main characteristics!

I am a vulnerable person. Probably more so than most.

I try to be really transparent with people. I share my life like it is a gift for the world. I share my weaknesses, I share my gifts, I share my story...I am an open book for all men to read. I am a target for heartbreak, a target for rejection. I think that I am starting to realize that even more.

I think that when you are an open person, when you try to love unconditionally, you are leaving yourself open for a lot of hurt and a lot of disappointment. The problem is, there is no other way to live if you want to see the world changed. There is no other way to live if you want to genuinely love. I think that people take for granted how much broken people have gone through, especially men- people forget that we hurt. They assume we can take it, and we do...but it crushes us. The redeeming thing is, we allow God to take those hurts (through a lot of arguing, counseling, pain) and we find Him making something beautiful out of it, in time.

I think I am going to experience a lot more hurts in life. Now, I might right a rebuttal blog in a couple of months...this is just initial thoughts...so bare with me as I work this out. When you are giving your life for people, people often/most times will hurt you. I think that when it is the deepest part of you, the story of your pain and God's victory, it hurts a bit more.

I know that this is not a complete post...it is kind of rambling...I guess you can kind of call it another facet of my open book life.

God, give us joy amidst the pain. Strength amidst the sorrow. Hope amidst the confusion.

Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Roxy Vega Johnson

My cousins just had a baby! Her name is Roxy Vega. She was 8 weeks premature. She is beautiful!

Here is the story of me visiting her (at least the important part)...

So while my family and I are visiting Jon (my cousin), Liz (his wife), and the baby at the hospital yesterday we encountered one of the worst security guards ever. Let's just say that this guy wont be joining the police force any time soon! CSI?...yeah, his dreams are over!

Now you may notice that although I am only a couple of sentences into the blog there is already a hint of bitterness and anger in my type-voice. You see, here is the deal.

Following our entrance into the hospital we come up to the security desk, the place where visitors are required to act intimidated by a flashlight/rent-a-cop (a job that I actually wouldn't mind having in the present). This is also the place where these entirely overdressed, not-real police officers crush little kids dreams of seeing their baby cousins (Bryce wasn't allowed to go back...He was not pleased!) and where "old enough to go back" people receive their name tags, connecting them with the family.

Following the "copish" guy passing out name-tags with the wrong room number on them to my mother and sister (there was more than 1 Johnson in the maternity ward...that's why we gave a first name). Can you tell that the anger is building as I approach the climax!? Following the wrong number writing contest Bobby Bad-judgment makes the worst observation mistake of his life!

Up to this point my mother had already identified herself as "I am an Aunt", in order for Danny Dumby to mark that down on the name-tag, and had also established that my sister and I are "cousins". Well, it came time for Sammy Stupid to make up my name tag and what does he write down in the "name" part....UNCLE!!!!! That means that he thought my mom and I were an item! What the heck!?

Thank you Demi and Ashton for being awful people!

Needless to say, I quickly, very quickly, corrected the fine gentlemen. "I'm a cousin!"

I don't know if he was convinced but if he was, he sure didn't act like it. Here is the deal, he was either 1)Not Convinced, 2) Lazy, or 3) A terrible speller because Steven Spell-check wrote down "Cus'n".

I was not happy!

My mom was in heaven.




p.s. I am not really as bitter as I write....I was kind of upset though! I forgive Randy Rent-a-cop for his mistake. I don't mean all of those mean things I said about him either. They were for effect and sweet alliteration!

Gross

Excerpt: Loose That Man & Let Him Go (2)

Here is the continuation from the excerpt below...If you have not read it, I would encourage you to read it first, as what is below is the continuation of the other excerpt.


Warning: If you love a loosed man, then pack lightly and be prepared to move quickly! He is not likely to be afraid of many things. He may appear to be rather impulsive, and he will live radically. He has seized life with the second grip of someone who knows he nearly lost it the first time! Don't even hope to to hold this man down with a threat or a scowl. He has already met his greatest nightmare face-to-face and whipped it before he ever reached you!

The loosed man you love knows himself better than other men. He has been purified on the fire like liquefied gold. He knows what is inside him. He helplessly watched all his embarrassing impurities come floating to the top for everyone to see. Yet something more than the run-of-the-mill weakness, sin, and fear bubbled to the top. The heat of the fire brought his true strengths to the top. Heat reveals faith. He saw his fervency and commitment come up threw the brew like a Rambo with a sweat band tied around his head! He has kicked into survival mode - a mode most men don't even know they have!

You will only understand what I mean by "survival mode" after you have been crushed, locked in a prison, left to die, or forsaken by others. Once you have survived that, you know that if necessary you could "dig your way out of east hell with a plastic spoon" as long as God was with you!

This tenacity is what I call "living loosed." Like a rock loosed from a sling, we will go against Goliath without fear. We were buried beneath the currents of life until the Warrior chose us and revived us. Now we loudly and boisterously shout, "Let it rip! We are loosed men. We are going somewhere, scars and all! Some of our bandages may still be clinging to us, but they no longer bind us. We are loosed men!"

We are coming out of tombs to be with Jesus! If the grave couldn't hold us, why do you think petty politics or unfavorable public opinion could hold us back? The only threat we fear is the possibility that we will waste this opportunity and not maximize this moment. This is raw power, uncensored and uncut! This is pure and unabashed manhood, though it may be packaged in a small-framed man with wire-rimmed glasses, or hidden in a soft-spoken accountant behind a work-strewn desk.

You may encounter a loosed man disguised as a roly-poly bear of a man with a generous girth and an overweight stance! Don't be fooled by externals. Look into his eyes. If you see fire, he is one of us! We are alive, we are revived, and we are loosed!

The loosed man's strength is not in his frame; it flows from the holy fire in his belly. He is a survivor and a strange mixture of grateful tears and cherished memories. He is almost fragile. He is more sensitive than others who have not brushed the face of death. He does everything with passion - from the bedroom to the boardroom, he wants it all. He is kind and gentle like someone who was a patient before he became a doctor. If you underestimate his kindness or mistake it for weakness, you will be shocked to find that he is a holy stone in motion, a high-flying arrow!

Loosed!