"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare
The above quote by WS (a quote that I admittedly looked up for the sole purpose of starting this blog) kind of defines my life right now. This past week has brought with it the most change I can remember (at least since my Dad left). I graduated from college (jobless), I left many of my closest friends (we are a phone call away, but a phone does not replace a couch conversations or an assuring, comforting embrace), and I quickly found other areas of my life drastically changing in very little time.
So although I originally placed myself within the pre-comma "we", I must say that this is not entirely true. I feel like it is easier to dream about what I can become than to grasp and get a hold of who I currently am.
I have been reading through Job and I find it so amazing how real Job was. I think it is pretty interesting the contrast between Job and his "friends". On one hand we have Job's friends who thought they knew why everything was happening to Job (Job let them know that they didn't), and on the other hand we have Job who had no idea what was going on in his life. He was hurting, he was confused, he was in pain, he felt abandoned and wronged by God- Job was a broken man. In the midst of this pain and confusion however, we find Job uttering these words:
"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed with the thought!" (Job 19:25-27 NLT)
In the midst of his pain, in the midst of his confusion, in the midst of his knowledge of God failing to fit with who he knew himself to be, what he knew God to be, and where he was finding himself in the present, Job was taken by the thought of beholding his Redeemer.
In the midst of my circumstances, in the midst of how I feel, in the midst of change and uncertainty, in the midst of shaken dreams- being at a place where the world is still crying to Jesus, a place where there is not always time to know what is going on- I hope that my spirit will match my forced, but not always sincere, cry of "I will trust you Jesus, I will trust you, I WILL TRUST YOU!"
No matter what happens in my life, no matter what happens to my body, no matter what happens in circumstance, I will someday behold my love. I will someday lock eyes with my redeemer. I will bow at the feet of my savior. I will grasp the hand of my healer. I will be pulled to the chest of my comforter. I will understand the reasons of my purpose giver. I will sing to my peace. I will shout victory with my warrior King!
In that moment, that tear drawing moment where time stands still and your heart pounds like it has never pounded before, the pains of this life, the wounds and scars that come from other's actions and my own obedience and disobedience, the worries and anxieties of failed dreams, my failure to fully understand myself or my circumstance...these things will pale, they will cease to be a thought, they will fade away like the darkness at the coming of day. These things that pain me now will someday bring joy, as I find that through them I was brought into my destiny, I received revelation that only brokenness can bring, and I was further molded into the very image of my love.
I am, finding that trusting God is so much harder than having faith!
Faith says "I believe this because it brings me hope, I believe this because it is truth, I believe this because deep inside I want this to be/come/prove true."
Trust says, "Although I don't want this, your will be done. Although this will bring me pain, do what you want. Even though I feel broken, you are greater than I am and you know what is best."
God is definitely teaching me trust.
A little further snapshot on some of the things that ran through my head today:
I am finding that as destiny transfers from dream to reality, fear and uncertainty really creep in.For instance, when you are dreaming about going to the Congo to work with street children, you find yourself acknowledging that it is a dangerous country and that many travel warnings have been issued, but you think Hey that is what I am called to do (in a real macho, super faith way). When the reality of going to the Congo comes you start to acknowledge those stupid travel warnings and one day it hits you that you are kind of afraid. You think, I can really die there. You know that you are not going to (you stand on Psalm 91!) because God has a plan for you. And then you really start seeking God about his plan and will...because if you are out of it you might not be as safe as you think. Reality is a whole lot different than dreams! Good thing God transcends them both! P.S. He can get to speaking any day now! :)
After a great cookout at my Aunt and Uncle's House my family embarked on a journey through West Virginia Jr. (we live in Ohio but this road, a detour from our normal route, was all West Virginia stereotype). On this road we saw some pretty funny stuff (I had my Mom roll'n!...that made me feel good). We saw a normal house with a big, live donkey in its small, fenced side yard, we saw a rundown house with a stretch limo in the driveway (family car), we saw a girl riding a 4 wheeler with a German Shepard on her lap, and finally, we saw a guy in a wheelchair getting ready to mow his lawn!
Hilarious!
Transition, Trust, Self Propelled Mowers (just think about it)* **
*A guy in a wheelchair mowing his lawn...use your imagination!
** My sister is in a wheelchair. I am not a cold hearted person. It was funny!
** My sister is in a wheelchair. I am not a cold hearted person. It was funny!
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