Brief, Simple Reflections on Life

This is my life.

This is my life to live.

No one else can live my life.

No one else can relate to my pain, my sorrow, or my joy. Our circumstances may appear similar but the way I respond, the effects on me, are different than on any other person.

My joy is unique. My heartache is unique. My desire is unique.

You will find no one else quite like me.

In this divine uniqueness I embrace my life.

I can say that...
I have experienced the thrill of being on the heights of victory and felt the sting of failure, failure in others as well as in my own eyes. I have loved and I have had that love rejected. I have hoped and have had hopes crushed. I have seen the rising up of men only to see them fall. I have drank from the cup of bitterness and hate to simply dull the taste of pain that was lingering on my tongue. I have dreamed and I have doubted. I have possessed the boldness of a roaring lion and have seen myself cower in fear. I have been unleashed and tamed. I have revealed while still possessing so much that others may never know. I have smelled the fresh air that can only be found on the mountaintops and have also gasped for breath in the jail cell of my own making. I have heard God so clearly and yet I have found room for doubt. I have seen and have yet felt so blind. I have beheld men but have wondered what true manhood really holds. I think of life and I sometimes awake to the realization that someday I will die.

I have lived!

I embrace my life. I love this life.

I know rejection as a close friend. Sorrow has held me at night. Joy has filled my heart with singing. Hope has been my companion through our never ending game of hide-n-seek.

I embrace joy with sorrow, victory with defeat, strength with struggle, for I know that this is my life. There is no other life like mine. No one has and no one ever will live this life again.

My life is beautiful. I will take the good with the bad. The comfort with the pain. The joy with the sorrow. This is life. I would have it no other way.

My life us unique, and so I will give it as a gift to the world.

Here is my life. Do as you will with me.

I hope that you will find it, in life and in death, a clear picture of all that is beautiful, of all that is good, of all that is right, of all that is blessed of God.

It is my choice what I do with my life. You will not make that choice for me.

I will love.

A Declaration of a Blessed Man

Desert Song: Hillsong

I took this from another persons blog. I hope you enjoy it!

VERSE 1
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

BRIDGE

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow.

Grace in Forgiveness

I have often said, "I forgive you," but even as I said these words my
heart remained angry and resentful. I still wanted to hear the story
that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies
and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in
return- if only the praise for being so forgiving! But God's forgiveness
is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything
for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine
forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep
stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy,
and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude
and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded
part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in
control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked
to forgive.

-Henri Nouwen

(excerpt from Phillip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace? - Visual Edition)

I will posting more excerpts from this book over the next week. Truth and revelation are so beautiful.

Grace in Forgiveness

Losing Control

I think that the worst feeling a person can experience is that of their life changing while they have no say and are without any control.

Now, the "super spiritual" person (not really) would say that this is the best! Because you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride!

"God will take care of it...what God wants to happen will happen," they say.

I agree to an extent. God is in control, and if I had my say I would really mess a ton of things up....let's just say that my life would be a whole lot more dysfunctional than it already is! But there is a catch that I think a lot of people miss.

We have choices. And so do other people.

Did God want my father to leave my family? No. Did it happen? Yes.
Was I affected, was my life changed, did I feel out of control? Yes to all accounts.

I can live with my choices! I can live with the consequences that come from my decisions. The reason I can embrace this so freely is because I desire to please God and I listen for His voice. If I disobey I know that it is God's love that will embrace me, even in discipline- I know that I will be strengthened and grow through my decisions. I can anticipate the hurt that is to come.

The problem I have with having to live with other people's decisions is that I can never anticipate the hurt. I am blindsided.

I know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The issue lies in the fact that you actually have to live life. In hindsight I am able to see God's hand at work in taking my father's decisions and taming the destruction that desired to have my family, so that guided transformation could take place. But we are still broken people. Life happens. You break. God uses situations to mold you. But you can still be crushed.

One of the most unsettling things is when you are unable to see the good that God is going to bring about. You are stuck in your situation, in the pain that comes from the choices of others, in the pain that comes from mistakes you never think can be redeemed.

There is nothing more fragile than a heart that is losing hope. There is nothing more deadly than a heart without hope.

Sometimes it seems as if you have to talk yourself into hope. But what happens when your hope is the very thing that was crushed, gasping for breath?

There is no hope that is secure except the hope that comes in the truth of Jesus Christ. I am finding this to be so true. People will fail you, abandon you, reject you, inflict pain upon you, and you will do all of those very same things to yourself. Jesus is not like us. He is different. He is secure. He is worth it.

If you find it the most difficult thing in the world to hope in something. If visioning another day simply takes everything out of you. Jesus is worth it.

Fight, do all that is required, feel the pain of reviving hope. Because Jesus is worth it.

Jesus, in you and you alone are we secure.

The Never Ending Sorrows of the Open Heart

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
-Isaiah 53:3

Life has been rough lately.

You can only take so many shots until you're keeled over in the dirt.

Before I go on to sound like Debbie Downer (this blog will get better I promise!), let me just say that God is still God, and He is good.

Let me continue...

I am 23.
I don't have a job. I have no leads. I have dreams.
I don't have a car. (I have money for a nice down payment but without a job...you know)
I've lost the majority of my best friends, my girlfriend, and my direction in the blink of an eye. (it was actually about 5 days...it was a really long blink)

I am fairly certain that TLC wrote that "Scrub"s song as a prophesy about me. In all fairness though, I'm not really hollering at girls from the passenger side of my best friend's ride...because he is not here.

I have no idea where I am going. Well, I might have an idea...

I said all that to say this. As of late, I have been a man of much sorrow.

I was sitting by myself the other day thinking about how I have been really sad lately, when a verse came to my mind (I think it was God). The verse I am talking about is the one where Jesus is described as a man of sorrows. That made me excited! I am becoming more like Jesus...in really sucky ways! j/k haha I was actually really encouraged!

I was telling my mom that I found it kind of funny how one of the main characteristics of Jesus was that he was a man of sorrow. He was described by sadness. I wonder why he was described like that? One of his main characteristics!

I am a vulnerable person. Probably more so than most.

I try to be really transparent with people. I share my life like it is a gift for the world. I share my weaknesses, I share my gifts, I share my story...I am an open book for all men to read. I am a target for heartbreak, a target for rejection. I think that I am starting to realize that even more.

I think that when you are an open person, when you try to love unconditionally, you are leaving yourself open for a lot of hurt and a lot of disappointment. The problem is, there is no other way to live if you want to see the world changed. There is no other way to live if you want to genuinely love. I think that people take for granted how much broken people have gone through, especially men- people forget that we hurt. They assume we can take it, and we do...but it crushes us. The redeeming thing is, we allow God to take those hurts (through a lot of arguing, counseling, pain) and we find Him making something beautiful out of it, in time.

I think I am going to experience a lot more hurts in life. Now, I might right a rebuttal blog in a couple of months...this is just initial thoughts...so bare with me as I work this out. When you are giving your life for people, people often/most times will hurt you. I think that when it is the deepest part of you, the story of your pain and God's victory, it hurts a bit more.

I know that this is not a complete post...it is kind of rambling...I guess you can kind of call it another facet of my open book life.

God, give us joy amidst the pain. Strength amidst the sorrow. Hope amidst the confusion.

Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Roxy Vega Johnson

My cousins just had a baby! Her name is Roxy Vega. She was 8 weeks premature. She is beautiful!

Here is the story of me visiting her (at least the important part)...

So while my family and I are visiting Jon (my cousin), Liz (his wife), and the baby at the hospital yesterday we encountered one of the worst security guards ever. Let's just say that this guy wont be joining the police force any time soon! CSI?...yeah, his dreams are over!

Now you may notice that although I am only a couple of sentences into the blog there is already a hint of bitterness and anger in my type-voice. You see, here is the deal.

Following our entrance into the hospital we come up to the security desk, the place where visitors are required to act intimidated by a flashlight/rent-a-cop (a job that I actually wouldn't mind having in the present). This is also the place where these entirely overdressed, not-real police officers crush little kids dreams of seeing their baby cousins (Bryce wasn't allowed to go back...He was not pleased!) and where "old enough to go back" people receive their name tags, connecting them with the family.

Following the "copish" guy passing out name-tags with the wrong room number on them to my mother and sister (there was more than 1 Johnson in the maternity ward...that's why we gave a first name). Can you tell that the anger is building as I approach the climax!? Following the wrong number writing contest Bobby Bad-judgment makes the worst observation mistake of his life!

Up to this point my mother had already identified herself as "I am an Aunt", in order for Danny Dumby to mark that down on the name-tag, and had also established that my sister and I are "cousins". Well, it came time for Sammy Stupid to make up my name tag and what does he write down in the "name" part....UNCLE!!!!! That means that he thought my mom and I were an item! What the heck!?

Thank you Demi and Ashton for being awful people!

Needless to say, I quickly, very quickly, corrected the fine gentlemen. "I'm a cousin!"

I don't know if he was convinced but if he was, he sure didn't act like it. Here is the deal, he was either 1)Not Convinced, 2) Lazy, or 3) A terrible speller because Steven Spell-check wrote down "Cus'n".

I was not happy!

My mom was in heaven.




p.s. I am not really as bitter as I write....I was kind of upset though! I forgive Randy Rent-a-cop for his mistake. I don't mean all of those mean things I said about him either. They were for effect and sweet alliteration!

Gross

Excerpt: Loose That Man & Let Him Go (2)

Here is the continuation from the excerpt below...If you have not read it, I would encourage you to read it first, as what is below is the continuation of the other excerpt.


Warning: If you love a loosed man, then pack lightly and be prepared to move quickly! He is not likely to be afraid of many things. He may appear to be rather impulsive, and he will live radically. He has seized life with the second grip of someone who knows he nearly lost it the first time! Don't even hope to to hold this man down with a threat or a scowl. He has already met his greatest nightmare face-to-face and whipped it before he ever reached you!

The loosed man you love knows himself better than other men. He has been purified on the fire like liquefied gold. He knows what is inside him. He helplessly watched all his embarrassing impurities come floating to the top for everyone to see. Yet something more than the run-of-the-mill weakness, sin, and fear bubbled to the top. The heat of the fire brought his true strengths to the top. Heat reveals faith. He saw his fervency and commitment come up threw the brew like a Rambo with a sweat band tied around his head! He has kicked into survival mode - a mode most men don't even know they have!

You will only understand what I mean by "survival mode" after you have been crushed, locked in a prison, left to die, or forsaken by others. Once you have survived that, you know that if necessary you could "dig your way out of east hell with a plastic spoon" as long as God was with you!

This tenacity is what I call "living loosed." Like a rock loosed from a sling, we will go against Goliath without fear. We were buried beneath the currents of life until the Warrior chose us and revived us. Now we loudly and boisterously shout, "Let it rip! We are loosed men. We are going somewhere, scars and all! Some of our bandages may still be clinging to us, but they no longer bind us. We are loosed men!"

We are coming out of tombs to be with Jesus! If the grave couldn't hold us, why do you think petty politics or unfavorable public opinion could hold us back? The only threat we fear is the possibility that we will waste this opportunity and not maximize this moment. This is raw power, uncensored and uncut! This is pure and unabashed manhood, though it may be packaged in a small-framed man with wire-rimmed glasses, or hidden in a soft-spoken accountant behind a work-strewn desk.

You may encounter a loosed man disguised as a roly-poly bear of a man with a generous girth and an overweight stance! Don't be fooled by externals. Look into his eyes. If you see fire, he is one of us! We are alive, we are revived, and we are loosed!

The loosed man's strength is not in his frame; it flows from the holy fire in his belly. He is a survivor and a strange mixture of grateful tears and cherished memories. He is almost fragile. He is more sensitive than others who have not brushed the face of death. He does everything with passion - from the bedroom to the boardroom, he wants it all. He is kind and gentle like someone who was a patient before he became a doctor. If you underestimate his kindness or mistake it for weakness, you will be shocked to find that he is a holy stone in motion, a high-flying arrow!

Loosed!

Excerpt: Loose That Man & Let Him Go (1)

Here is an excerpt from one of the last chapters of T.D. Jake's book, Loose That Man & Let Him Go.


3. Live Beyond Intimidation

"Much people of the Jews therefore knew that he was there: and they came not for Jesus' sake only, but that they might see Lazarus also, whom had been raised from the dead.
But the chief priests consulted that they might put Lazarus also to death; because that by reason of him many of the Jews went away, and believed on Jesus."
John 12:9-11

Nothing threatens a dead man. People only fear what they have not faced, and those like Lazarus have already faced the ultimate challenges of life. They are seldom intimidated.

Men of less experience would have stayed in hiding. Powerful enemies were not glad he had survived, but Lazarus wasn't moved. He didn't budge. Fear no longer worked with him because he had looked death and failure in the face and walked away into new life. He knew the cold terror of lying with other rotting corpses in the tombs. He was familiar with the stench and decay of the decomposed and the sneering grimace of skeletal remains.

Now what were these men threatening him with? Death? What planet did they come from? Lazarus had discovered a Savior Who could call him back from the grace in a split second! Threats were a waste of breath. Lazarus had been through too many challenges to take his marbles and go home just because someone didn't like him!

You are a loosed man! You have already passed your survival course, and you have been through boot camp. You are a combat-hardened career man complete with battle scars, memorials, and trophies of your personal survival. When you face opposition from the enemy, you don't panic anymore. You don't even think about breaking rank or running away. Things have changed this side of the grave. This time, your enemy can feel his scaly knees knocking together. There is something very familiar about the glint in your eye and the cool, underlying strength he can perceive in your heart. It is ironic that the most frightening enemy you had to face was the enemy within. Now it has become the trophy you hang high in your heart!

Once you develop the tenacity to survive, you are ready to do great things for God. You become unstoppable when you learn how to buffet your body and deny your desires. Resurrection changes the way you react to fear and death. It doesn't mean that you will never fear again; it means that you will forever react to fear differently. Survival breeds confidence.

Once the blaring scream of fear has pierced your consciousness, you will know things that others do not know. When you taste the salty tears of bitter frustration and everything within you says, "I give up; I can't go on!" you will know things that others do not. When your heart has pounded its way through numbness and continued to pump blood although it seemed to be broken by the aching pain, you will know things that others do not know.

You have survived the terror of feeling unseen weights on your chest and have fought the night armies of inner torment and wars within. I know you understand. You have stumbled and staggered from bad news to worse news without breaking pace. You are a voice from the grave of failure sent back to speak to your generation! You have been freed from the grave clothes and given as a living gift from God to this generation.

You and I are "proof positive" of answered prayer simply because we are alive!

No one can threaten me with death. I have already been dead. I was pulled like a cold corpse from a rushing river and resuscitated on the banks until I loved again by the breath of the one who rescued me. I will not run and hide simply because my critics are embarrassed by my progress or upset by those who surround me! Like an ex-convict, I declare that I have served my time! Release me quickly and let me go - I am loosed!

The End Has Come...Intimate Portraits

Today...
Ladies and Gentlemen I finished the book that is probably the most intimate painted picture of myself I have ever seen. I would like to say that I have written or shared things about myself that are more intimate than this book but I don't know if I can honestly say that. You see, I have so much inside of me, so much that I don't know if I will ever be able to communicate clearly, so much stuff that I wish I could convey but I don't know if I can....as I read the pages of this book it was as if I had been the one writing it. It was like I was transcribing on the pages of this book all of my feelings, all of my hurts, all of my failures...everything...and I didn't even know it.

It was like there was just a great discovery of all of these things that I felt in my heart, that I had felt God had been saying to me for years. Reading this book was like taking a shot of the prophetic voice of God right to the heart.

God and I have been having quite the heart to heart. His love and truth pouring into my gasping lungs, my fractured heart, my wounded spirit. It has been a beautiful things.

As I now recommend this book to everyone (women you need to read it too!!! If you want to know men, especially ones that have been broken, and you desire to see the truth of who God has designed us to be, you NEED to read this book) I must say that I am a little nervous. You see, as I read this book it was like I was reading my life. I don't know if you will have the same experience. One thing I do know is that you should never look at men, especially men who have been through the fire, the same again! You, man of God, are destined for greatness!

I pray that as you read the book you will encounter the same God I have encountered. The things I was reading were not new, but some were clear for the first time. The words of the Lord were not new; however, they were fresh, they were reminders of things I had forgotten, things that had been lost in the pain.

There is a word from the Lord waiting for you. There is new life for you. There is a fresh fire waiting. Women, there is a divine revelation waiting for you in the pages of this book.


Loose That Man & Let Him Go - T.D. Jakes

Ian McIntosh

I was working on a blog for today but I have decided to postpone posting it....I don't know if it will ever be posted. Probably not actually.

Since I don't want to work on writing another blog I have decided to introduce you to a new worship artist that is amazing!

If you are a fan of Sigur Ros you will love this guy!

Here are links to where you can find his stuff. Enjoy.


http://www.purevolume.com/ianmcintosh
http://www.myspace.com/ianmcintoshworship

The Call DC

Join us on the National Mall in Washington DC on August 16, 2008 for a massive gathering of united generations desperate for revival and real change in our nation. More than an event, TheCall is a fast, not a festival. Come and be a part of the cultural reformation.

There are moments in history when a door for massive change opens. Great revolutions for good or evil occur in the vacuum created by these openings. It is in these moments that key men and women - sometimes entire generations - risk everything to become the hinge of history. That pivotal point determines which way the door will swing.

"When there is no hope, when there is no remedy,
God still has a holy prescription"
- Lou Engle

I encourage everyone to check this out and make it a primary goal to make it to Washington on August 16 to cry out to God with 1 Million other men and women of God. Our God is alive, His ears are open, His eyes are blazing love...will we cry out to Him?

August 16th!!!

thecall.com

DUI= Hilarious!

This is what can happen if you drink and drive!

June 10, 2008...as we remember, it was on this day that "the accident" took place. Since then many things have come into the light, but none come even close to the hilariousness of this next story.

Once upon a time in a house not too far away from a certain author of this blog's house there lived an alcoholic. On June 10, 2008 this certain alcoholic, we'll name him LeRoy, was up at 3:30 AM mowing his lawn, because let's face it, that's what alcoholics do at 3:30 AM on June 10ths.

Now LeRoy despite being incredible inebriated was very observant. So, when a certain chase went down leading to the carnival of commotion mentioned in this author's June 10th blog, LeRoy noticed! This was a huge improvement for LeRoy as before this day LeRoy had noticed many flies and things in his grass, as concluded from passer-byers who noticed him drinking a beer and swinging at flies or staring at things in his lawn, but never took too much notice to big things (this cannot be proven).

Following the commotion, and a vast array of wonder from LeRoy, LeRoy decided he wanted to descend from his high hill to go and see what all the excitement was about. Now, not being too fond of walking considerable drunken distances LeRoy decided that he was just going to go ahead and hop on the road with his good ol' John Deer (i.e. the mower he had been mowing his grass with)!

When he reached the police barricade located one block before the accident LeRoy was greeted with a surprise, considerable attention from the police men enforcing the road block. It didn't take much time until LeRoy was given a three letter gift, DUI, and had had his good ol' trusty lawn mower impounded by the nice police men. Ouch!

So children the moral of this story is:

Don't drink and drive your lawn mower!

Addictions.

Alone With God (an excerpt from the play-by-play)

A few days ago I talked about a book that has been doing a play-by-play of my life lately. Here is the first excerpt.


Alone with God

"And he [Jacob] rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok. And he took them, and set them over the brook, and sent over that he had.

And Jacob was left alone...."
Genesis 32:22-24

Jacob wasn't necessarily lonely; he was alone. When God starts calling you away to himself, you may want to surround yourself with people. Unless you realize what is going on, you will gather people around you so you won't be alone. That won't help. You can be surrounded by people and still be alone if God is after you. You can experience intimate relationships and still be alone.

Who are you really? Who are you when nobody is looking? That is the real you. Who are you when all the camouflage is off, when you don't have an ego to defend, when you have nothing to prove at the office? Who are you when you aren't concerned about who is driving the nicest car, who owns the biggest house, or who makes the best business decisions? Who are you aside from all the imitations of life?

If you ever go through a real life-or-death situation or recover from a life-threatening disease, you will discover the "real you." You will find that most things people say are "important" aren't really important at all.

I'm alone anytime I am surrounded by people who don't know who I am. Anytime I am in a situation where I cannot fully be myself, I am alone. Anytime I have to put on a facade or camofloauge who I really am, I am alone. I am isolated. I watch people through a glass becasue they really don't know me.

God wants you to be alone because that is when He really operates. Nobody recievess guests in the operating room. I don't care how many loved ones you ave around you, when you get ready to go through surgery, the doctor puts them all out -- even your wife and kids. God put this book in your hands because he wants to do surgery.

"And Jacob was left alone...." (Genesis 32:24). Jacob was not just alone -- he was left alone. The word left implies that somebody who was there departed. Somebody he thought he could depend on moved. Someone he fellowshipped with abandoned him.

"And Jacob was left alone...." He was left alone, isolated, and separated by God for a divine purpose. "...and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day" (genesis 32:24). Are you ready? God Himself is coming down to fight with you.

Alone to wrestle with God

Jesus is so Beautiful

This is one of the most beautiful things I have heard in a while.

The Moral/Spiritual Lifestyle vs. Western Culture

In 90+ degree weather people tend to wear a lot less clothing. While I was supporting redneck communities world wide by donning a "wife beater"*, in an attempt to keep my temperature down, most of the girls at CP were not donning much of anything in an attempt to make sure that their body temps stayed down while the temps of others went up (that's only a guess though...I don't know their hearts....although they did try to show people).

In the midst of this hot, immodest mass of humanity there they stood.

While I was waiting the entirely worthwhile 45 minutes to ride the Millennium Force I saw them. Standing on the ramp of destiny (when you are on the ramp it means you are close to the front) they stood proud, embracing a sign of their faith, embracing their heritage, embracing the lifestyle that came before them. Beside them stood a stark contrast. Similar in age, similar in nationality, similar in the desire to ride the greatest roller coaster ever created, but so different at the same time.

The group I am speaking of was a group of girls, a part of the graduating class of 2012, from Dearborn, Michigan. For those of you who do not know, Dearborn's population includes 30,00 Arab Americans. It has the largest proportion of Arab Americans for a city of its size in the US*.

Perhaps the reason I noticed these girls so clearly was because of the modesty they were displaying. While the crowd around them was showing quite a bit of skin, these young ladies were wearing their school shirt, jean capris, and head coverings. Perhaps the most contrast came when I noticed a group of girls right beside them in line. As I stated ealier, similar in age, similar in nationality, but not similar in their embrace. While the young ladies from Dearborn were embracing a sign of their faith, their heritage, their devotion- I do not know the reason for their choosing to wear a hijab, whether it was forced upon them, whether they knew the significance, whether it was simply cultural for their family, or whether it was a true, understood sign of their faith and devotion...I do not know- the young ladies beside them were embracing the style and identity of American pop culture; a culture that does not go very deep and does not ask one to cover up much...except honesty, sound judgment, morals, and established convictions and identity. Just being honest.

I did not write this blog to push for the wearing of head coverings for all American women or even to differentiate between western tradition vs. eastern tradition. Rather, I wrote this blog to make us all stop and think. What are we allowing to shape our lives. What are we embracing? What outward manifestations are we showing? What convictions and commitments are we allowing to shine through our whole life?

Someday when I have children, someday when my life will continue through the lives of those I helped to raise, I want them to have something of value to hold on to. I want my line to display something different, something glowing, something world changing. I don't want my life or the lives of the generations to come to be more affected by changing pop culture trends and styles then they are by God and the passion they have to be obedient and set apart for him. I want my daughters to be secure in their identity and their knowledge of God so that when they are 14 years old they are not flaunting their newly developed breasts and caking seduction on their faces. I want my desires and the lives of all who come into contact with me to be centered around the cross of Christ, not around a culture that says acceptance needs to be gained by any means necessary.

This isn't about women's clothing morality, this is much deeper. This is an issue of the heart.


This is not the collision of culture.

This is the collision of desires.



*I do not condone spousal abuse...or know the proper name of the shirt.
*Thank you wikipedia

June 10th, 2008

So today is my birthday.

I always have really interesting birthdays. It is like every once in a while God takes my birthday and uses the events of it to teach me a lesson to further prepare me for his plan. Today was no exception.

My day started this morning at approximately 3:30 AM. As of late I haven't been sleeping very well, it is like I am in a daze a lot of time- you know, that type of sleep where you are thinking/dreaming but for some reason you can't enter into real sleep (maybe you don't know).

It was in this state that I heard my mother's voice calling me from the darkness.

"Brandon, come here!"
"What!?"
"Brandon, come here...there is a guy laying in the road"
"Huh...?"

I got up, climbed the stairs out the basement, and found my mom "frantic".

"There is a guy laying in the road...there is another guy and they can't find him"

My mom was shaking.

I had no idea what was going on. My mom is freaking out, she is talking about some guys outside the house, and there she stands with the door open looking out.

"Get away from the door."...We need to call the cops.

I looked out and didn't see anyone....until my mom pointed him out.

In a few moments what had happened would come pouring in with intense clarity...with this realization would come many thoughts.

It took a moment but I saw the guy lying on the left side of the road. The cop leaning over to speak to him. A car, split in two halves, lying scattered across my neighbor's driveway and the road. A telephone pole sawed in half lying across the road. The guy, the young man, was not moving.

Darkness filled the morning air. One cop, one body, a split car, a hint of death trying to creep into the atmosphere. My mother prayed.

In a matter of what seemed to be forever-drawn-out-minutes ambulances, fire trucks, and a slew of cops filled the corner, lawns, and roads surrounding my house. The police officers with mission minded intensity searched, in the casted light of flashlights, yards and trees. The police, as a result of finding a shoe not belonging to the young man lying on the ground, were searching for another passenger from the car. He could have run or been thrown; seeing the car, the first option was probably not all that likely. The impact could have left him anywhere.

A high speed chase at 3:30 in the morning, turned off lights (that is what people said), an explosion filling the air, sparks filling the sky, darkness overtaking.....a body of a boy in critical condition.

I have been overwhelmed by death. When you are dreaming from the outside...let me say, when real life and demanded action come there is a lot more uncertainty, a lot more fear, a realization that death is an option. As I thought of that unmoving, uncomforted body lying in the road (I don't know if the young man lived or died) I was taken to Rwanda, I was taken to the Congo, I was taken to places where death was and is an option, where life can be stripped so quickly, places that leave me weak, scared, and questioning if I could bring life, if I will live.

My life is in the hands of God. I "rest" (more like talk myself into it sometimes) knowing that my life is in God's hands, that my obedience and God's protection are at work, that God will use me despite my perception of me being inadequate.

I am being prepared and shaped through the some of the most pain and uncertainty I can remember. I am being equipped and empowered to look death in the face knowing that I have been given something greater and more powerful than even death itself.

Reader, death is an option. Surrender to God. Surrender your life to the love, identity, and purpose of Jesus. Be changed! Be available! Be used for something greater than yourself, something that will ring for all eternity, that will breath life even when your lungs breath their last.

I was born on this day 23 years ago.
I have been having encounters with death.
Oh life of God fill me up. Pour out from me into death filled places.

The Light Shines in the Darkness, but the Darkeness has not overcome it. It will never overcome it.

Birthdays

Observations at the Point

I would classify myself as an observant person. I love people watching. So I found myself at Cedar Point on Friday and I must say in the 90+ degree heat I made some interesting observations. For the next two days I will be writing on two of these observations.

1. The moral/spiritual lifestyle vs. Western Culture
2. Guys and Dolls (An observation on guy/girl interaction)

...to be continued...

2nd Blog of the Day!!!!

This clip is taken from the Price is Right, Youtube, Deadlyviper.org...Enjoy!

Darn It, Drew Carey!
That Sucks!

One of Those Songs

So I was writing the other day about being able to relate to books, songs, poems, etc. Check this out.

So today I was driving (more like backing) out of the library parking deck after getting a sweet book on non-profit incorporation and a copy of the Office (season 2), when I heard this song on the radio. It is kind of funny what God has been doing in my life as of late. Like I said a couple of posts ago, I know that God is about to do something BIG...but I also know that feeling lonely, not having a job, having stuff dug up by God so that I can continue to be molded into who he is desiring for me to be... all of these things are really difficult, really emotional, really sad, really uncertain, really tearing, really (kind of) sucky!

So after hearing this song I think it might be my "anthem" for a while...at least for the summer (I know that it will probably be re-adopted as my anthem at later times in life as well). Enjoy!


Whatever You're Doing (Sanctus Real)

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

Whatever You're Doing...All I can do is Surrender

Ethur.org Blog: Ben Arment

So I was reading some blog stuff from Ethur.org and I came upon this interesting blog. Tell me what you think!

"Let me go out on a limb... I think most of us walk the line between passion and peacefulness. We play it too safe because we fear failure and criticism. I think most of us wake up every day with the goal of not looking bad or bringing unwelcomed attention to ourselves. But I'll make-up a rule here that I think is true... If we're not offending someone or risking personal embarrassment with our life endeavors, we're probably making very little impact. That's just how influence works... It comes with the price of personal unrest.

In almost every endeavor I go after, there is always a moment when I have tremendous regret. It's always that moment when I've gone too far to turn back, and there's absolutely no assurance of success. I start cursing my holy discontentment, my entrepreneurial nature, and I kick myself for being naive, calling it faith. And then God does something amazing, and I go do it all over again."

-Ben Arment

My Book

So I am currently writing a book....kind of.

It is going to take a long time!

The good news is, I think I have something that will be in the book, somewhere(...I may have to hide it on the last page in 5 font but it will be there!).

Would you like to hear it? Sure you would!

The dreams of the world are not reserved for the affluent, the ‘have it all together”s, the rich, the Americans, the popular, the good looking….they dream dreams, dreams that bring about greater wealth, greater popularity, better looks, better Americas. It is a beautiful day when these, these daydreamers of greatness, join the sleeping playwrights of the world. For on this day the world will come a little closer to healing, on this day the sun will shine a bit brighter, on this day justice will smile and selfishness will die.

Give me the dreams of the dying, for they dream of life. Give me the dreams of the fatherless, for they dream of family. Give me the dreams of the poor, for they dream of change. Give me the dreams of the prostitute, for she dreams of purity. Give me the dreams of the wounded, for they dream of healing. Give me the dreams of the least, for they are the most, they are the beloved, they are the body, the life, the hope, the children of God.

FYI: INHALE INTERNATIONAL info. is now available! If you would like to hear more about the up and coming non-profit organization that I am starting please e-mail me your address at inhale.international@gmail.com and I will be sure to send you out info as soon as possible!

The Play-By-Play

So I am reading this book that is trip'n me out (in a good way). Have you ever heard a song, recited a poem, read a book, etc. that seemed to know or be exactly what you were feeling, what you were going through? I am sure you can at least relate to having a song that inspires unifying thoughts...

Chris Carrabba knows exactly what I am going through, OMG! "I wish I was anywhere, with anyone...making out!" That is what I was thinking...we should totally date (this is a girl example)

Anyway, take that unifying thought, put Jesus in the mix, marinate it in the plan of God, incorporate some common emotions, take exact events from your life, and then take some Bible character lessons, and you have this book I am reading. I am not playing, this book is doing a play by play on my life as of late. While this could be really discouraging, confusing...I am finding it to be amazing! I am learning so much! The only worry I have is that I will not respond in the way God is calling me to.

Have you ever experienced that? The time when you know God is calling you to respond but you just don't know if you are responding in the magnitude, to the degree that He is wanting you to? God has things that He wants to do in you. You can delay your maturity and the magnitude of revelation based on your response to His prompting. That is a scary thought! Let me give you an example:

For the longest time I knew that God was calling me to give up TV (I'm not saying that TV is bad...God was just calling me to separate myself from it). I responded to God in so many areas but I just would not give up TV. I know, it's stupid....obedience to God or TV?....shouldn't be that tough! After awhile of struggling with different things, desiring for God to take me "to that next level", etc. God hit me with this one. How am I going to trust you with greater things if you haven't obeyed in something as small as giving up TV? I am not going to take you any farther until you obey in that!

And so it is at this place that I find myself again. God and I are in a wrestling match (i.e. Jacob)....and I know that God is about to do something huge in my life. There are just times that you know something HUGE is coming; for me this is one of those times. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to respond in disobedience. I don't want to drag on for years the change that God is desiring to bring in me now!

So, back to the book. After I finish this book I will most likely subscribe it to all of you. I wish I could give it to certain people as I feel like it is me, and countless others, written on the pages of a book. Until then, you will have to settle for snippets every once in a while.

Play-By-Play

"Who Am I" - Jesus

It was kind of funny...Today I was doing some lawn work outside (it's the only place to do lawn work) and I was listening to my sister's Hillsong infested IPOD. About the time that I was sweeping up the down slope, on the left side of our horseshoe driveway these words filled my ears:

You ask me who do I
say that You are, and I
say that you are the Christ,
Son of the living God.

That I will bless the Lord forever,
I'll bless Your holy Name.
Yes I will bless the Lord forever,
I'll bless Your holy Name.

As of late there has been a whole lot of me questioning God. Now, I am not questioning Him to his face so to say...it is more like I am not really getting what is going on, thus resulting in a lot of worry, doubt, anxiety, sleepless nights, etc. If I am honest I would say that I don't trust God. If I was really, really honest I would say that I have made God a lot less then me and I have made myself a whole lot smarter than Him. Dumb Idea!

So anyway, about mid-sweep on the down slope, on the left side of my horseshoe driveway God hit me with the words of that song and then asked me this question.

"Who do you say I am?"

BOMB!

I was hit by a super high speed train, and I am not superman! Again, if I am honest it wasn't that dramatic...it was more of a present (and probably someday future) defining moment. God was putting me and Himself in their respective places.

"Who do you say I am?"

When God asks you that, and you know who He is, you have encountered Him, you know that he works everything out for good, you know that He is doing what is best, you know that He is so much wiser than you, you know that He is in control, and you know that you have not responded to Him how He deserves....when God asks you that there is not much you can say.

So I thought along with the song. YOU ARE THE CHRIST, THE SON OF THE LIVING GOD!

and then He spoke again, a message of ol'.

"If I conquered the grave, if the very thing that is inevitable for every human being [death] could not hold me. I defeated death...."

And that is why we trust Him.
Death itself could not hold Him.
Life Radiates from Him!
He is the source of life, and love, and peace, and hope, and destinies, and....

He knows what He is doing in my life. No matter what I think I cannot make anything any better, I can just mess it up. He is molding my life, He is molding me, He is in control, HE IS (period)

Man, I love lawn work!

Hillsong, Downslope of the left side...

Who do you say He is?

BranDON- The Origin of My Name

So I just found out today how my name came to be what it is. While there are many variations of my name, which include: Branden, Brandan, Brendan, Brendon (I actually have never heard of that one but I’m sure someone probably has it), etc. my name itself, Brandon, came about from a love relationship between my Mom and strapping young lad. You see, the year was 1972 (actually I don’t know the year) and my mother was engaged to be married to this guy....OK, I’m lying. The truth is....this is so embarrassing ...my mom had a crush on Donny Osmond. So, when they went to name me, rather than naming me Brandan, my mom chipped in her two cents and they named me BranDON (as in DONny....as in Donny Osmond). That sucks!

So, seeing that me and D-Money are kind of like brothers I think it would only be right to compare myself with Donny Osmond

Similarities:
- We both at one time in our lives had mullets.
- We are both Caucasian.
- We both have ladies screaming our name when we are on stage.
- We both have dark brown hair.
- We are both US citizens.
- Donny is on reality TV shows, I watch reality TV shows.
- We both have Jesus in our religions.
- I like Joseph, Donny was Joseph.
- My mother loves us equal (that is not true...but it is kind of funny).
- Donny had a song in Mulan, I like Asia

Differences:
- To Donny, Jesus is Satan’s Brother...to me He is not.
- Donny plays in the movie College Road Trip (I saw that when reading his Info.)...I never quite took one (unless you count Asia).
- Being a Mormon, Donny is able to have many women, I can’t keep one.
- When women scream Donny’s name on stage it is usually followed by an “I love you”…when they scream mine it is usually followed by a “get off the stage”
- Donny greases up his hair like a pig at a 4H fair, I let mine go aux naturalle.
- Donny is a white Caucasian, I am not.
- Donny has Marie, I have Kelly and Melissa Shinn.
- Donny is old, I am not….but people still think I am my Mom’s date sometimes (what the heck ?)

So there you have it...my name.

Stories of Old

TRUTH: BTK HOUSE JAM 2

After a year off Truth: The Brandon T. Kightlinger House Jam will continue...

Here is a little taste of this summers topic.


So often the pains and uncertainties that we bear find their greatest relief in the darkness. From a wet pillow holding the pains of a broken childhood to a dark club whose bass pounds our thoughts away as its lights (and the alcohol we consumed) allow us to forget the truth of the world we live in...We are a people who are embraced by the darkness.

There is something about "group"...you know, the "Hi, my name is Brandon and I'm a(n) ___." "Hi Brandon." place...that is real, that is inviting. Although someone may not be an alcoholic, sex, drug, or rock-n-roll addict, it is hard to argue that people don't want to be heard, that people just want someone to be real with.

This summer The BTK HOUSE JAM 2 is taking on a new look. We are gonna be that "group", we are going to be that place and those people that invite people (ourselves included) to be real. This is a place where your deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts can be exposed in the light. There will be no pillows to cry on, but rather the shoulder of a friend, there will be no pounding bass, but instead the silence of captured hearts listening to your story...

There are dreams in you man and woman. There is greatness within you. There is a love that you posses that you never knew you had to offer. Let us break through the darkness that we placed around ourselves for our protection and security. That darkness that we once felt suffocated us but now brings us comfort. Let us see ourselves in the light. Let us see the TRUTH.

This summer we will be meeting on Sunday nights at 5:30 (because let's face it...who has a whole lot to do on Sunday at dinner time?). The locations will vary throughout the summer. We will start at the Gorge Metro Park in Cuyahoga Falls, OH. on Sunday June 8th. Other locations will include the back room of a bar, a hookah bar, an Anglican prayer room, etc.

Get Ready for a great summer of being real and discovering the TRUTH of who you are as GOD sees you.




The first TRUTH: BTK HOUSE JAM 2 will be held on June 8th at 5:30 PM

Location: The Gorge Metro Park. Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.

The Development of the Changing, Trusting Life - The place where strong men feel weak

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be." - William Shakespeare

The above quote by WS (a quote that I admittedly looked up for the sole purpose of starting this blog) kind of defines my life right now. This past week has brought with it the most change I can remember (at least since my Dad left). I graduated from college (jobless), I left many of my closest friends (we are a phone call away, but a phone does not replace a couch conversations or an assuring, comforting embrace), and I quickly found other areas of my life drastically changing in very little time.

So although I originally placed myself within the pre-comma "we", I must say that this is not entirely true. I feel like it is easier to dream about what I can become than to grasp and get a hold of who I currently am.

I have been reading through Job and I find it so amazing how real Job was. I think it is pretty interesting the contrast between Job and his "friends". On one hand we have Job's friends who thought they knew why everything was happening to Job (Job let them know that they didn't), and on the other hand we have Job who had no idea what was going on in his life. He was hurting, he was confused, he was in pain, he felt abandoned and wronged by God- Job was a broken man. In the midst of this pain and confusion however, we find Job uttering these words:

"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed with the thought!" (Job 19:25-27 NLT)

In the midst of his pain, in the midst of his confusion, in the midst of his knowledge of God failing to fit with who he knew himself to be, what he knew God to be, and where he was finding himself in the present, Job was taken by the thought of beholding his Redeemer.

In the midst of my circumstances, in the midst of how I feel, in the midst of change and uncertainty, in the midst of shaken dreams- being at a place where the world is still crying to Jesus, a place where there is not always time to know what is going on- I hope that my spirit will match my forced, but not always sincere, cry of "I will trust you Jesus, I will trust you, I WILL TRUST YOU!"

No matter what happens in my life, no matter what happens to my body, no matter what happens in circumstance, I will someday behold my love. I will someday lock eyes with my redeemer. I will bow at the feet of my savior. I will grasp the hand of my healer. I will be pulled to the chest of my comforter. I will understand the reasons of my purpose giver. I will sing to my peace. I will shout victory with my warrior King!

In that moment, that tear drawing moment where time stands still and your heart pounds like it has never pounded before, the pains of this life, the wounds and scars that come from other's actions and my own obedience and disobedience, the worries and anxieties of failed dreams, my failure to fully understand myself or my circumstance...these things will pale, they will cease to be a thought, they will fade away like the darkness at the coming of day. These things that pain me now will someday bring joy, as I find that through them I was brought into my destiny, I received revelation that only brokenness can bring, and I was further molded into the very image of my love.

I am, finding that trusting God is so much harder than having faith!

Faith says "I believe this because it brings me hope, I believe this because it is truth, I believe this because deep inside I want this to be/come/prove true."

Trust says, "Although I don't want this, your will be done. Although this will bring me pain, do what you want. Even though I feel broken, you are greater than I am and you know what is best."

God is definitely teaching me trust.

A little further snapshot on some of the things that ran through my head today:

I am finding that as destiny transfers from dream to reality, fear and uncertainty really creep in.For instance, when you are dreaming about going to the Congo to work with street children, you find yourself acknowledging that it is a dangerous country and that many travel warnings have been issued, but you think Hey that is what I am called to do (in a real macho, super faith way). When the reality of going to the Congo comes you start to acknowledge those stupid travel warnings and one day it hits you that you are kind of afraid. You think, I can really die there. You know that you are not going to (you stand on Psalm 91!) because God has a plan for you. And then you really start seeking God about his plan and will...because if you are out of it you might not be as safe as you think. Reality is a whole lot different than dreams! Good thing God transcends them both! P.S. He can get to speaking any day now! :)

After a great cookout at my Aunt and Uncle's House my family embarked on a journey through West Virginia Jr. (we live in Ohio but this road, a detour from our normal route, was all West Virginia stereotype). On this road we saw some pretty funny stuff (I had my Mom roll'n!...that made me feel good). We saw a normal house with a big, live donkey in its small, fenced side yard, we saw a rundown house with a stretch limo in the driveway (family car), we saw a girl riding a 4 wheeler with a German Shepard on her lap, and finally, we saw a guy in a wheelchair getting ready to mow his lawn!

Hilarious!

Transition, Trust, Self Propelled Mowers (just think about it)* **

*A guy in a wheelchair mowing his lawn...use your imagination!
** My sister is in a wheelchair. I am not a cold hearted person. It was funny!